Thursday, April 1, 2010

This Just In....

The French Government today, announced several far-reaching changes that it says will go into effect within the next several years. This announcement has caused a huge stir here in France resulting in retaliation plans by several trade unions and government worker groups.

In an effort to conserve paper, the government will require all it’s offices and subsidiaries to reduce required paperwork by half. Ecologists have taken to the streets in celebration but paper companies have threatened to shut down all importation until the law is repealed and The Copy Machine Conglomerate is quickly organizing a group to begin talks with the Sarkozy administration.

As an addendum to this new change, the government says it has assembled a think tank group to devise a way for simple and necessary information to be accessed by computer at all related government agencies. The group is also being charged with the daunting task of devising an efficient telephone answering system in all government offices in order to “prevent the current practice of taking the phone off the hook”.

“Our government is paying millions of euros per year to store the mounds of paper we have accumulated”, said one government official. “And we have yet to find a way to locate any particular document when it becomes necessary”.

In addition, a new program is being established that requires all government workers to attend 2.5 hours of continuing education per year in order to learn the art of pleasantry and smiling. This program will replace the current CE program entitled “500 Alternative Ways to Actually Say “Here is your copy. Do not lose this because we will lose all of ours.” Government workers have put their foot down and plan a strike for the entire month of September. An unnamed spokesperson said today, “this should extend our already extensive August holiday by 4 weeks and with all that is now being expected of us, we deserve it.”

A wide-sweeping initiative to update maps and road signs is also set to get underway by the end of the year. Government officials say this should eliminate the large number of individuals who continuously circle the country’s roundabouts trying to figure out which direction they are supposed to go next. Gas station owners plan to close down all stations for two weeks in protest. As one station owner said “each time someone has to stop for directions they purchase an average of 6.43€ worth of goods and services. This new regulation will destroy our business.”

Banking is not exempt from this new revolution. Beginning September 1st, 2010, all French banks will be required to have money on premises.  A spokesperson for the banking business issued a statement today saying, “having money in a bank goes against everything we stand for.”  There is no word yet on whether the banks have plans to strike.

In further news, we have learned that an American woman has plans to begin the importation of Glad Press-n-Seal Wrap. On the condition of anonymity, she said, “why should an entire country suffer with the non-product currently available? The reason French refrigerators smell is because nobody has enough time or perseverance to cover their cheese! It takes the patience of Job. Hey, it’s simple…this stuff has already been invented!” When questioned further she retorted, "no, I have no idea who Job is...I just know he's never had to try to cover a leftover tartiflette in France!" Swiss pharmaceutical companies that manufacture anti-anxiety medication are said to be incensed but would not comment, only saying that they expect to release a statement later today which will outline their plans for a possible lawsuit against the American entrepreneur.

There, I feel better!
Happy April Fools or as they say in France…Poisson d’Avril!



  1. I had no idea!

    To learn what goes on from someone familiar with life in France is quite eye-opening.

    All I can say is Why? Why don't they want Gladwrap? Why don't they cover food in their refrigerators? This is all so interesting to me.

    Are we, our customs and life here, so strange to those in France?

  2. I swear we are the same person! I always, when returning to France from the US, bring Glad Press N Seal Wrap. No lie!! Plus A1 Steak Sauce, chunky peanut butter, cheap reading glasses and all sorts of little housewares and gadgets from Walgreens and Ace Hardware. If only I could bring Lean Cuisine, which is usually 5 for $10 at Pick N Save, compared to 4€ or 5€ each at InterMarche. Oh well, life is tough!!

  3. This is the cutest and funniest April Fools joke I've ever seen-I loved it!I hope the French find the humour in this and the Americans understand how difficult it is to live in a country without Press and Seal Wrap, but we do get good looking underwear,and they do have great cheese too.

  4. Haha. Great post, Delana. Just saw that your blog got a great review on "A Taste of Garlic" (and that's no April Fools!) Congrats!

  5. I just left a comment on your post about your date... and have now read, almost word for word, all your other posts! This is just wonderful Delana (that's a great name) and now I REALLY can't wait for the next "installment". Amusez-vous bien!

  6. Excellent! Of course it never occurred to me that these strikes were actually a joke!

  7. "Spoken" like a true newscaster! Excellent!

  8. Joanna:The great mystery is...why is the clingwrap here so substandard? It's like wrestling with an alligator! So I think eveyone just gives up. The rest was just my April Fools response to some of my frustrations with the French bureaucracy. It's legendary. I hope my French friends understand that it was truly all in fun.

    Julie: I brought back 9 pairs of reading glasses, Skippy Superchunk, 3 rolls of Press n Seal, and numerous little kitchen gadgets. We are the same person! As for the Press n Seal...I show it to my French friends at parties. It's better than the spoon-on-the- nose trick. If I could really import it, I know I'd make a fortune!

    Anon: I know who you are and I know where you live. I have, however, never seen your underwear!

    Aneye: Welcome. I'm so glad you're here and I appreciate the kind words. I'm on my way to check out your site now. In fact, I love my name (now) too. It's been passed on through my family for 200 years. When I was a child I just wanted to have a "normal" name. Now I wouldn't trade it for the world.
    Chausette: The strikes aren't a joke when we need to get somewhere as you well know! I tried to mail 3 birthday cards last week...the first time in 6 months...and guess what? Greve à le Poste!

    Moxie: being able to write "news" that is, in fact, BS, is like riding a bike...except this time I get to admit it's BS!

    Thank you all for reading!

  9. oh...and Paris. I know, isn't that cool? I believe, that's how I found you


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