Monday, April 4, 2011

Telephone Terrors


I actually wrote this in November for the newspaper. I've got a visitor here right now and haven't the time to write something fresh. However,  this terror remains fresh...so it will work!

Ten minutes ago, my phone rang. My phone doesn’t ring all that often, and when it does, the name of the caller pops up because, of course, I know them. When a strange number comes through, I generally ignore it. Okay, first I go into in insta-freeze because I know that this means if I answer, I will have to speak French...on the phone... with somebody I probably don’t know and who is unaware that my telephone abilities are the merde! (It also brings on some bad memories of a time last year when I was threatened on the phone by a stranger) Telephone conversations  are the most difficult. It’s even harder than listening to the news on the radio because people speak rapidly and generally more street language. 

So this was the conversation…translated of course.

“Hi Delana…this is _______”.

“Who?”

“______.”

“I’m so sorry, I have a difficult time on the telephone. This is who?”

________. The friend of ________. Do you remember me?

“No, because I still didn’t catch your name. I’m so sorry. Can you repeat it, please?”

“_________”

Then follows a minute of completely incomprehensible French. It seemed that perhaps his name was Frederik and he might possibly have been a friend of my old friend Simon. It’s possible... except I didn’t remember anybody named Frederik…at all. And, in fact, I’m condensing this conversation. This ball was tossed back and forth many more times!

“OH! OKAY. I’ve got it now!”

Probably a dumb move, pretending to know who this mysterious caller was. But I was just too embarrassed to admit that I simply COULD NOT understand.

“So I’m just calling to see what’s new?”

So what do you tell a person that you’re pretending to know, what is new? When do you suppose the last time was that I had a conversation with this person? What might we have talked about? Do we know each other well? If we do, I’d better act like it. If we don’t, I should probably not be talking to him.

“Well, I’m a student at the University now”.

That remark just revealed to possible stranger danger that I believe I haven’t seen him since at least September. I crossed my fingers and waited to offend.

“Really? What are you taking?” (whew! Good stab in the dark!)

“French of course. And you, what are you doing these days?” (I’m bound to get some sort of clue from this question)

One more Bad Idea. Another minute or two of gibberish and I understood one word. Internship. Okay, probably somebody young. Maybe an old classmate from last year’s course.  And I’m hearing a few speech patterns that seem remotely familiar.

“Oh yes? Tell me more.” (Eventually, this has got to come to me. Please give me some clue, some name, some event, something! Of course he probably already has… at least 10 times… but I’m too inadequate to understand)

Another several paragraphs follow and you guessed it, nothing!

“Listen, we don’t learn how to talk on the phone at the University. I’m horrible at it. Perhaps it would be better if we text. I can understand written words much better.”

“Ah, okay…blah, blah , blah....Skype blah, blah, blah, MSN blah blah blah blah”

I understood Skype. Yes, Skype!  We can chat online on Skype!

So I proceed to text a perfect stranger my Skype address, just so I can figure out who the hell this person is. His name comes through requesting permission to talk. Ah…it’s Cedric! Of course, Cedric, the friend of Simon, who I ran into and spoke with briefly this summer, who made me oysters 2 years ago before he moved to Argentina for a year. Who is all of 33 years old and obviously still… interested? My body relaxes, I get comfortable in my chair, and I begin typing in French.

Delana:  Cedric! How are you these days? Now repeat everything you said to me on the phone…just so I’m sure that I got it right. Tell me everything that’s new.

Et pourquoi pas? (And why not?) I don’t even know the word for cougar in French!

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15 comments:

  1. I am Laughing Out Loud! : ) Lovely!

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  2. Loved this Delana! I can just imagine the conversation - Thank goodness for texting.
    Have a wonderful week. xx

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  3. YIKES!!

    I'm glad all's well that ends well...the theme music (screeching) from "Psycho" was playing through my head as I read your post.

    It helped to reassure myself that the experience had happened back in Nov. and that you were fine!

    Have a great time with your friend...that's top priority. ♥

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  4. Go girl. Long live cougars.
    I always hated answering the phone in another language. When I was there with two little American girls, I made the four-year-old answer it. Her French was worse than mine!

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  5. You don't know me either, but I sure would like to know you, somone who made my evening, I'm rolling on the floor laughing from your story...........

    ~Emily
    The French Hutch

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  6. Hello Delana, my name is Suzi and I came across your lovely blog through a friend. It's funny how that happens. I just have to tell you that you are seriously living my dream. You are a brave soul. I am about t embark on a little sojourn myself back to France, firstly Paris of course, then, alpe de heus for an event, and finally Provence. I am staying one week in saint Remy and then off to a cooking school. My language skills are bawd but I hope to hone them a little while I am there....wow - there is a world of connection out there.

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  7. Susan-I'm so glad I could make you laugh. Truly.

    Dianne-Texting saves my life. But now my blackberry is "going down" and I can't text. I'm having to actually use the telephone! Yikes!

    Jo- theme music for "Psycho". Love it. At times I think that could be my LIFE Theme music.

    Paulita- You know exactly how I feel!

    Emily- Welcome to my blog. It does my heart good to know people laugh at me as much as I laugh at myself! Off to your blog.

    Suzi-I'm so glad you're here. Send me an email when you're in Provence and we can share a cup of coffee. Now I'm going to visit you.

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  8. Susan-I'm so glad I could make you laugh. Truly.

    Dianne-Texting saves my life. But now my blackberry is "going down" and I can't text. I'm having to actually use the telephone! Yikes!

    Jo- theme music for "Psycho". Love it. At times I think that could be my LIFE Theme music.

    Paulita- You know exactly how I feel!

    Emily- Welcome to my blog. It does my heart good to know people laugh at me as much as I laugh at myself! Off to your blog.

    Suzi-I'm so glad you're here. Send me an email when you're in Provence and we can share a cup of coffee. Now I'm going to visit you.

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  9. Oh god, I remember those blah blah blah days.

    Your evocative post brought it all back, Delana. Hilariously. :)

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  10. Ha! I get people on the phone who munch their syllables and add new ones, they have such a strong Cevenol dialect. Sometimes faking it's the only way to go: my cellphone has no signal at home...

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  11. LOVE this story. And in my experience, you really only have to worry about offending them when you've . . . well, seen their belly-button. Men are funny that way :-)

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  12. You think you've got it tough?

    I inherited the phone number from the seller of the house....and in Costa Rica you do not even dream of changing the number to your name in case the telephone company think someone else needs your line more than you do and take it away.

    So the directory is full of names and numbers which bear no relation to each other.

    Accordingly, the telephone rings and it is someone for the ex owner...and the caller speaks only patois.

    And Mr. Fly... who speaks Spanish..hands me the receiver on the grounds that what I'm picking up here by way of language surely has to be patois as it bears no resemblance to anything he learned in Madrid, so I can handle it!

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  13. Sarah-It's so good to know I'm not alone and I will eventually get through this too!

    Tammy- I know...that accent problem. I have a terrible time with the Marseille accent. I mean what the hell is ping (pain...bread)?

    Moxie-as in belly button, I assume you mean "I can't seem to find...oh...THAT'S your belly button? It's so...it's kind of...it's such an inny". Are we on the same page here?

    Fly-From all I've learned about you, which still isn't enough, something tells me you handle those phone calls just fine. And Mr. Fly knows it!

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  14. Newbie to your blog and am so happy to be here! What a fun adventure you are on, so great :0)

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  15. Delana, I know *exactly* how this goes. Even more embarrassing, though, is that I've even had conversations like this in English! (Yeah, I don't know what my problem is).

    So French, English, or whatever other language it may be - Skype, email, texting are best :)

    Thanks as always for the laugh :)

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