Monday, February 21, 2011

Speaking of fesses

Okay....I'm done! Finished! I can't take it anymore! I think I have now qualified for the Bloggers Most Injured list. This is now how I pictured my name going down in infamy.

Last Wednesday, I decided it was high time to re-do my blog page. I had no particular ideas in mind and I began to play around. Trouble is...I pushed one of those damned wrong buttons and lost my old template. Thus, I was committed.

You need to understand, I'm a complete idiot at this I only know what I've had to learn so far...and since I haven't had to use this extensive knowledge for at least a year, it had flown from my brain like the french word for keyboard (I know it starts with the letter "c"), the password for my bank account, and the rules for every single card game I've ever been taught.

So...I sat in front of the damed computer, typing on that thing that starts with the letter "c", for 14 hours. Yeppers, 14 hours in my newly-made bathrobe, doing nothing but struggling with a dumb blog page.  I did finally eat something about 10 pm and at midnight I opened a bottle of wine. Which is probably why at 1:30 a.m., I closed up shop. Satisfied. At one point, late in the marathon, I thought I had sat on a pin, probably left behind in the bathrobe-that-had-the-day-before-been-a-sewing-project. I couldn't find it anywhere within the folds of my wonderful, new, fuzzy robe and so, continued on with my project.

The next day, I had a pain in the ass. Okay, actually two. The first was the fact that, by the light of day, I hated my new blog page. The second was, I had an actual pain in my ass. A big, excruciating pain in my hinder. Okay, it was really the top of the back of my thigh but these days the two seem to be one in the same. And when I sat down...well....that wasn't really possible!

During the course of the day, a little black and blue mark developed. I know this because I actually had to yank down my drawers and show my injury to a friend (this is, I'll have you know, downright degrading). She thought maybe it was an insect bite and we let it go at that.

It had improved...a little... by Friday but was still really painful. My friend Claire insisted I make a doctor's appointment for Saturday morning and I decided to placate her. Friday night I spoke with my mom and mentioned this little problem and by the time I was done with that conversation, I was sure I was in the midst of some sort of blood clot crisis and I skipped a party so as not to dislodge said clot and die of a pulmonary embolism (this is why one should never discuss minor health problems with one's mother).

I went to the doc on Saturday, downed my drawers again and said, "mes fesses sont mal. Je crois que c'est un probleme avec un vein. Comment vous les trouvez?" (I don't know if this is proper french....I never know. When I came home I ran that one through the translator and it came out, "My buttocks are evil. I think it's a problem with a vein. How do you find them"?). At which point he laughed and said in French, "now this is a special situation".

Yeah, really special. Hysterical.

After a little prodding and pain, he announced it was a broken surface vein and I had practically no chance of dying from it. He did however, tell me to get off my ass. Which I have been doing. Pretty much.

Today it's much better and I decided to re-do my re-do. I don't know if I'm satisfied. But I'm not going to sit here long enough to worry too much about it. However, I welcome any comments from ANYBODY who knows ANYTHING about this sort of thing.

And back to the subject of fesses. I still haven't gotten to to say "tu les trouves jolies mes fesses?"* which was the subject of a recent post and which I've since found out is a famous quote (here in France, anyway) by Brigitte Bardot in the 1956 movie And God Made Woman. I really had that line on my top ten list of things to accomplish in the near future. And I pictured the moment....oh yes....


But, sadly, my first fesses conversation did not go according to plan.


*roughly translated to "do you find my bottom pretty?"


  1. That's hilarious and turned out much better than I feared -- both the layout and the ass problem. I was afraid you had a pin stuck in you! I like the layout. Intriguing photos.

  2. I'm sorry...I laughed, laughed and laughed.
    Am now slapping own hand for being naughty...but the conversation with the quack was wonderful!
    Hope you can sit down now and deeply sympathise with the 'where the....did my template go' problem.
    I'm terrified to touch anything on the blog in case it all disappears.

  3. Now that was down right hilarious! Laugh Out Loud funny. Thank you for keeping us entertained XO

  4. Paulita-yeah it's all really funny...unless it's your butt and your blog!

    Fly- I'm glad you laughed. For some reason that's important to me.

    Sonja-well, if we can't know the rest!

  5. You really made me laugh with this one Delana, I bet the doctor is still giggling too!
    It's spring, we all need to be getting off our backsides!!

  6. You should have sewn a butt flap into that bathrobe. I had a friend who once sat on the pointed end of a knitting consider yourself lucky!

  7. And Delana: how is the foot doing? I've thought of you many times!
    Despite your problems, I DO like the new page and layout: very clear and easy to navigate! But are YOU happy with it?

  8. Still laughing!

    Oh, Delana, we all can relate to your computer problems, but I kind of like the bright clean look of the new header.

    The "evil buttocks" problem: Well, that is unique! Ha!

    I can only imagine what the good doctor said to his family when he got home from work that night!

    Thanks so much for brightening our day...I hope you don't take offense at our laughing at your fesses!

  9. I'm so sorry that your blog & bum problems are so entertaining! Thank you for sharing and making us laugh today!

  10. Love the blog and the re-design - but love the comments from even more! Very funny (oh, but not at your expense, girlfriend!)

  11. Delana, I would have loved to have seen your doctor's face after your explanation. Thanks for a great laugh! I really needed it after finally finishing shoveling the foot of snow that has fallen here in Eau Claire since mid-day yesterday.

  12. I swear I'm laughing WITH you!
    Your blog does look fantastic though :-)

  13. Oh, Delana, this is so funny! I enjoyed reading your adventure with 'les fesses'. But you also made me think since I am probably like your Mom and announcing health catastrophes to my children when they do not feel well...I will have to remember.
    I love your blog's facelift.

    PS: why not have a second blog only visible to you on which make experiments? I read this somewhere.

  14. That was very funny, but I was anticipating a different ending where the doc, peering at your buttocks got his tweezers out and removed a pin that had inadvertently found its way embedded into the soft flesh.
    "La dame avec l'épingle dans les fesses"...

  15. Really LOL with this one. Love your play on words and also the new look layout.

  16. Oh my goodness Delana, I am still cracking up as I type this. Absolutely hysterical. all of it...the part about your Mom getting you all riled up into a health frenzy (mine swore she could see a cavity in ma filles mouth via skype) and then the doctor part. oh, me. oh, my. it is just perfect.
    you're great stuff lady!
    a xoxo

  17. Oh, and I meant to tellyou the other day that I love the new photos on the header.

  18. Great! I laughed myself silly. (Although no one noticed a difference.)

  19. Sharon-Yep...time to move. I went to the gym today. Now I can't move!

    Auntie-Do you think those poor wooly mammoths are turning over in their frozen glaciers as we openly discuss butt flaps! I once had to have a sliver (okay, small tree) the size of my two thumbs together removed from mes fesses. There is no end to the indignity.

    LibbY- I'm doing great. Frozen toe still hurts. Considering amputation. I'd be able to fit into more shoes.

    Jo-As my jeans get tighter and is INDEED an "evil buttocks" problem.

    Susan-I guess if it bugged me to be laughed at, I wouldn't write about it, right? I love helping people laugh.

    Holly- when are you coming home?

    Suzie-Wanna buy a snoblower. I've got a brand new one sitting in my warehouse.

    Sara-Thanks. Still some tweaks but hey...I'm healing. You've provided me with so many laughs...I'm glad to return the favor.

    aracne-I wish I knew how to do this. It would make life so much easier. But I can't find any good information. Let me know if you find some.

  20. Sarah-I would have prefered that ending. It would probably be all over and done with by now.

    Pat, thank you. That means a lot.

    Aidan, thank you so much. SO MUCH. I'm so glad we all find these indignities funny!

    Mark-I'm quite sure I like people who can laugh themselves silly and nobody notices!

  21. Have mercy. I laughed so hard my Weimaraner gave me a dubious, girl-you-spend-too-much-time-alone look.

    Unless you are trying to hit on said doctor, you can perhaps say "qu'est-ce que vous pensez de mon probleme/la situation/ma blessure?" next time you have something in your ass (...) I have a strong feeling you made his week.

    And frankly, I like the new look, fresh, bright, with a fun font. More like you! I'd love to change my blog's look too, only I am afraid I'd do something silly, like lose 200 posts. At least there are no pins lying around here.

  22. An all around well written blog post!!


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