This Just In....

The French Government today, announced several far-reaching changes that it says will go into effect within the next several years. This announcement has caused a huge stir here in France resulting in retaliation plans by several trade unions and government worker groups.

In an effort to conserve paper, the government will require all it’s offices and subsidiaries to reduce required paperwork by half. Ecologists have taken to the streets in celebration but paper companies have threatened to shut down all importation until the law is repealed and The Copy Machine Conglomerate is quickly organizing a group to begin talks with the Sarkozy administration.

As an addendum to this new change, the government says it has assembled a think tank group to devise a way for simple and necessary information to be accessed by computer at all related government agencies. The group is also being charged with the daunting task of devising an efficient telephone answering system in all government offices in order to “prevent the current practice of taking the phone off the hook”.

“Our government is paying millions of euros per year to store the mounds of paper we have accumulated”, said one government official. “And we have yet to find a way to locate any particular document when it becomes necessary”.

In addition, a new program is being established that requires all government workers to attend 2.5 hours of continuing education per year in order to learn the art of pleasantry and smiling. This program will replace the current CE program entitled “500 Alternative Ways to Actually Say “Here is your copy. Do not lose this because we will lose all of ours.” Government workers have put their foot down and plan a strike for the entire month of September. An unnamed spokesperson said today, “this should extend our already extensive August holiday by 4 weeks and with all that is now being expected of us, we deserve it.”

A wide-sweeping initiative to update maps and road signs is also set to get underway by the end of the year. Government officials say this should eliminate the large number of individuals who continuously circle the country’s roundabouts trying to figure out which direction they are supposed to go next. Gas station owners plan to close down all stations for two weeks in protest. As one station owner said “each time someone has to stop for directions they purchase an average of 6.43€ worth of goods and services. This new regulation will destroy our business.”

Banking is not exempt from this new revolution. Beginning September 1^st, 2010, all French banks will be required to have money on premises.  A spokesperson for the banking business issued a statement today saying, “having money in a bank goes against everything we stand for.”  There is no word yet on whether the banks have plans to strike.

In further news, we have learned that an American woman has plans to begin the importation of Glad Press-n-Seal Wrap. On the condition of anonymity, she said, “why should an entire country suffer with the non-product currently available? The reason French refrigerators smell is because nobody has enough time or perseverance to cover their cheese! It takes the patience of Job. Hey, it’s simple…this stuff has already been invented!” When questioned further she retorted, "no, I have no idea who Job is...I just know he's never had to try to cover a leftover tartiflette in France!" Swiss pharmaceutical companies that manufacture anti-anxiety medication are said to be incensed but would not comment, only saying that they expect to release a statement later today which will outline their plans for a possible lawsuit against the American entrepreneur.

There, I feel better!

Happy April Fools or as they say in France…Poisson d’Avril!